Ten Terrible Types at the Movies

Settling into one's theater seat to watch a movie is a singular pleasure. There's the enjoyment of choosing the picture, and there is the promise of looking up, for 80 minutes or for over three hours, at a new creation -- still a good value for under ten bucks.

Certainly, the bliss depends on the movie yet, increasingly, that sense of delight is imperiled by indecent behaviors. Among the most intrusive types: <OL>

• The Procrastinator. You get to the theater early enough to park, buy a ticket and find a seat. Minutes into the picture, someone shows up, wanders the aisles, expresses shock at not finding a seat or, worse, looks for his friends -- whom he was supposed to meet in front of the box office 20 minutes ago. Be punctual.

• The Cheater. The notion that it's fun to sneak into movies without paying survives among mooching teens and adults. They disrupt the show, roam the theater and sit with the attention span of a puppy. Pay for the movie.

• The Coordinator. Accommodating someone during a popular weekend show is one thing, but the Coordinator marches in after the theater's full, hunts for a better place, and asks you and your girlfriend to move over one -- leaving you sitting next to Jabba the Hut or placing your girlfriend directly behind Wilt Chamberlain. Stop rearranging the audience and take a seat.

• The Kindergartner. You're waiting in line for an R-rated movie and, suddenly, you spot them: a family of four, dad with peach fuzz on his chin, mom with pierced eyebrows and their screaming toddlers, all waiting to see Freddy Vs. Jason. Or you're stuck near parents who drag their kid to a bloody gorefest filled with indiscriminate sex, leaving the poor youth to pepper his parents with questions about a plot beyond his comprehension. Either way, you can count on one thing: the child will start making noise at the exact moment you need to hear the dialogue. Hire a babysitter.

• The Kneeknocker. The Kneeknocker waltzes into your row with reckless abandon, oblivious to your knees, your purse, your shins -- usually several times during the movie. In his worst moments, the Kneeknocker, who doesn't seem to grasp the shuffle the rest of us have mastered out of courtesy, dumps nachos and soda into your lap. Be considerate.

• The Talker. She's loud, she's emotional, and she's convinced herself that she's sitting in front of her TV watching The View. If the lead character is sad, she lets out an "awww." She can't just watch the movie -- she has to react. Blame talk radio, which solicits a response from everyone on the most trivial subjects. Save the comments for the call-in shows.

• The Prognosticator. This person tries to predict every plot development -- "this guy's gonna get it" -- and he's often paired with the Repeater, who feels compelled to echo each line from the flick. Leave the movie alone.

• The Clocker. Most people switch cell phone ringers to vibrate, but there is a new breed, and he doesn't wear a watch. Instead, he checks his cell phone clock every 30 minutes, lighting up the theater like a Christmas tree. Cover the LCD and be discreet.

• The Kicker. It's almost always the short guy -- not the big, tall linebacker -- kicking, bumping and grinding the back of your seat. This guy has it in for the world. No matter how nicely you ask, no matter how menacing your look, he'll keep right on kicking. Stay home and watch Dr. Phil.

• The Unwrapper. This person is often accompanied by the Slurper, who's determined to finish the last drop of Dr. Pepper. Munch on the M&Ms, take a sip, that's fine. Open candy during the trailers. </OL>

Look, there's nothing wrong with whispering a question and an occasional knee knock is bound to happen. Go ahead and get into the Whoppers midway through the movie. The deeper problem lies in the culture, which shapes the movies and packs the seats with every Unwrapper, Kicker and Kneeknocker within five miles of the movie theater. Good manners at an Austin Powers or an American Pie picture is as likely as Swept Away 2. But there are limits.

The movie is what ought to matter. A really good movie leaves an audience rapt with attention, making the ten terrible types less offensive and less bothersome. But there are not nearly enough really good movies, let alone great ones. So, instead, be a really good moviegoer.

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